Saying the unspeakable

i have kept silent all my life
but yelled a lot
i can't say what i mean
but tell what i should not

coz i can't spell that word
that's deep in my heart
and it's burried somewhere within
i can't reach without tearing apart

i've been labelled, given names
and tagged as what i am not
but nobody has listened to or seen
what i was or what i could have been

and i have done the same
with everyone like it's a fun game
defined them with what i could see
before lending my shoulder or ears for listening

i do what i'm done unto
coz i give what i recieve
and it's the cycle that i can't break
and the beliefs theirs or mine that i can't shake

what should it matter what they say
when i carry  both the devil and the saint within
however it's only for ME TO CHOOSE
which one i'm breathing

after all of these long years
and after all of these young tears
i'm still the same
what i have always been

coz i can't spell the word
that i've been trying
and i can't word the spell
that is now blinding

yet somehow i'd die before i can say i'm hurt
i would kill if i have to say it's love i need
and it's either below or it's above
but no it's never right or never enough

so i chose to not utter a single sound
instead i chose to go the other way round
it cost me my whole life and the world wide run
and i'm back once more where i had begun

now i'll think once more before i choose again
life is short may be i'll find some more time
to somehow spell the word i've been denying
hoping it somehow releases me from what has been holding

may be i could let it go and unburden me
may be i could let it flow and reveal me
hoping that as i give i will also receive
and i can finally reverse the neverending wheel

and in case i could not
i can convice myself ...i tried....
coz i can lie to the whole world
but to myself i cannot lie

Agreeing to Disagree

            Most of the words that start with 'dis' sounds like negative, like dislike, disappear, dissatisfaction, disturbing, distant, disability, disclose, discomfort and so on except for discount. One of them is disagree of course. We often feel that to be in harmony with somebody we need to agree most of the times. Agreement is the basis of any kind of relationship and we tend to depend on it so much so that anytime there is any disagreement we feel discomfort and discontent. The same goes with me and my son. I wish he could agree with me in everything. But even though a toddler he seems to have his own mind and when he means something he really does it so. I can try to explain things to him but discussing with a 4 yr old doesn't prove much of handy. The initial reaction is frustration. But, then later it just comes to the mind that it is just normal for two people to disagree. It is often a healthy process that we don't realize.

           Mostly in the traditional cultures of the  East, disobedience and disagreement to elders is often viewed as disrespect. It is only expected for the young to unanimously agree to the elders. It can be seen reiterated through the sacred texts or mythological stories and so it descends to the current civilization. The scale may not be the same but the values persist. How much of understanding can one generation have of the other when the youths of today have too much of external influence to tackle with the older generation hasn't faced? Well the answer lies in the question. Life 20 years ago is not the same as life today. The values and beliefs are shifting. The priorities are shifting. The question is should the elders still hold the rein for the young or let them handle it when they don't know the currents of wind where they are coming from. Unlike in the west, where the kids get on their own as soon as they are 18 or 20, the Easterners hold on to the parents as long as they can. It's like life and death relationship however the degree of power and control changes over time and age. That's where the situation of agreement and disagreement arises. Can we still be in disagreement and be in the relationship? To me, it should be. It is only healthy and normal to be in disagreement and at the same time be in strong relationship. 

           Everytime, I am in disagreement with my child, the last resort would be to yell to win, but later only to feel the embarrassment when the realization comes that he is the child not me. Yet, I'm only a human with only a certain degree of patience, I wish I had unlimited. But the motion out of a single emotion can be stronger than the gradual emergence of realization. So forth outbursts the signs of dissatisfaction. However, it does not take very long for a patch up to happen and in few minutes we would be playing and singing together completely forgetting how we felt a few moments ago. It is so sweet to have a relationship where there is disagreement but yet, it is so strong that the moments that come after the disagreement are even sweeter. The disagreement just depicts the intimacy of the relationship when it is viewed not as disregard but only the deep trust and reliance in each other. To be comfortable in disagreeing with each other is the measure of the depth of a relationship and the health it exhibits. Yet, it is hard to disagree with others as we feel we are letting go of the comfort zone. As we practice it more often, I guess we will get more comfortable. Said easily than done, having to live with someone who disagrees more often can be quite annoying. Reminds me of the friendship between the donkey and the Ogre in the Shrek. It's quite annoying but in a way very cute, isn't it and at times very emotional and deep. No matter how annoying the donkey may be he never leaves the Ogre and is always there for him. Isn't that sweet? 

           So, finally I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and let the opposites find their own course and telling myself it's alright to disagree. To acknowledge of the disagreement is the first step towards resolving the conflict. Working on the alternative courses of action that has win win situation is next. But, if I don't take the first step, the next will never be taken. Therefore, "Disagreement" is welcome. I allow my dear ones to disagree and I hope I am allowed too. I am agreeing to disagree.

I raised one and grew up

We grow up and have kids. That was what I had thought. Now that I am raising one, I'm convinced of quite the opposite. We raise kids and grow up. For me it was like the freedom I had never felt before, the freedom which was there but I never knew. At first, it felt like I was losing the rest of the world, I was missing out on everything I was doing. I was losing my identity, or was too overwhelmed not knowing who I actually was, struggling too hard to hold onto my old identity I had worked on for so many years to create.

I had chosen to stay home with my baby and raise him up. There were times when I had felt inert, dumb, isolated, lost, depressed, crazy. No matter how many books you read, get advices, it is different when you are alone with your own. As I was dwindling between the advices and my gut wisdom, I learnt to breakthrough and choose what the right thing was to do, only derived from the passion I felt for the innocent life. And there was no greater wisdom for me. It is hard for me to tell how such a vulnerable child can give anyone such a strong sense of strength and determination. No wonder people quote in different ways that you see God through a child and inevitably it is the most blissful thing you experience while raising one.

It is the hardest thing of course with the greatest of rewards. There is a saying that IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD. Since we don't live in villages, many a times, we parents have to take the role of the village and switch among many identities. Parents do the most diverse jobs required of multi-talent without ever getting any certification.

The first two years I lost myself completely. I was only doing what was needed to be done and stopped asking questions. By the third, I was creating answers to all the question. By these three years, I had learnt to babble, make silly rhymes, chase around like animals and did them shamelessly. And the next minute I was answering questions meant for God.

In these three years, I had become like a tree. My feet were grounded and my hands turned into branches in all directions doing all sorts of jobs. However, the satisfaction was enormous, greater than myself. By now, I was quite comfortable in my shoes, and it really didn't matter to me, what the rest of the world was doing. I could quietly watch the seasons go by and enjoy them. I knew within myself, I will never lose my again. I did not need a designation to define myself or a trend to find my direction. I was free to choose to get in and get out not worried of rejection or loss. And that was my sense of freedom and I felt like living my life, I should be living in complete freedom of my mind, though my hands were tied.

I would no more be upset when I see people not doing the things they are supposed to do. I am not going to complain when things don't work my way. I have more room for people from other walks of life. At least I would try to listen, understand and put myself in their shoes before judging and criticizing. I was able to leave things without trying to understand or take control of. I would let life inside of me and around me flow through peacefully and comfortably. And there is my sense of freedom, which otherwise I would never have known, and a sense of appreciation to life mine and others around me irrespective of their doings and capabilities, an unexplainable sense of serenity for no reason.

Yes, the sky can be green, clouds can be blue, grasses can be orange, birds can have three legs, all the alphabets come with wheels and ladders.

When I don't have a friend

When I don't have a friend around to comfort me and humble me down, I will probably choose my enemy, SELF EGO, thinking I am all I have, I am all I want, I am all there is, just to get my adrenaline rush to overcome my fear of losing myself in the vastness of infinity and uncertainty until I find my friend and then I will let it go....

Reverse motivation

If you think you can't do something, do not be certain. There is nothing that can be done by others that can't be done by you. Let's put it this way. Somebody needs help from you to do something you are very good at. You keep teaching him until he is good at it. And finally you feel happy in your endevour. Now, let's change places with him.

Move on....with your head held up high

You have had a long journey through tides and waves, as long as the endless seas of the worlds. When you get to the shore, find your blessings and enjoy them, rejuvenate yourself and take a moment for yourself. Then, hold your head up high that you have conquered and survived. Now, get ready with your gear, you have been prepared for the battle. A real one.

A moment of Getaway....into perishment

Mid summer, it was a beautiful spring day. After soaking myself, as I came out, I was invited by the irresistible evening and I went out in the yard. The evening sun and the mild breeze was perfect to make me feel loved and related.. There I basked myself and closed my eyes absorbing as much as I could, inhaling, feeling and listening to the surround sound. I felt the warmth of the sun in my skin penetrating, the rattling of bugs and the buzzing of an aeroplane. Trees looking down upon me, blades of grasses shining in the sunlight, emanating timeless love. Gentle breeze was wrapping me in the instant. A moment arrived when I felt completely merged where I was in. The joy was inexplicable. I tried to relax and let myself in. I lost myself completely. Everything else was there except for me. I found myself floating in the clear blue green water of the vast. But, in a moment, I was all covered up in something thick, sticky and dark. I lay there paralyzed and suffocated. And in a blink of a moment, I was free again. Saw a crab lying motionless. I opened my eyes. It was still the beautiful evening. I was standing there helpless.