Saying the unspeakable

i have kept silent all my life
but yelled a lot
i can't say what i mean
but tell what i should not

coz i can't spell that word
that's deep in my heart
and it's burried somewhere within
i can't reach without tearing apart

i've been labelled, given names
and tagged as what i am not
but nobody has listened to or seen
what i was or what i could have been

and i have done the same
with everyone like it's a fun game
defined them with what i could see
before lending my shoulder or ears for listening

i do what i'm done unto
coz i give what i recieve
and it's the cycle that i can't break
and the beliefs theirs or mine that i can't shake

what should it matter what they say
when i carry  both the devil and the saint within
however it's only for ME TO CHOOSE
which one i'm breathing

after all of these long years
and after all of these young tears
i'm still the same
what i have always been

coz i can't spell the word
that i've been trying
and i can't word the spell
that is now blinding

yet somehow i'd die before i can say i'm hurt
i would kill if i have to say it's love i need
and it's either below or it's above
but no it's never right or never enough

so i chose to not utter a single sound
instead i chose to go the other way round
it cost me my whole life and the world wide run
and i'm back once more where i had begun

now i'll think once more before i choose again
life is short may be i'll find some more time
to somehow spell the word i've been denying
hoping it somehow releases me from what has been holding

may be i could let it go and unburden me
may be i could let it flow and reveal me
hoping that as i give i will also receive
and i can finally reverse the neverending wheel

and in case i could not
i can convice myself ...i tried....
coz i can lie to the whole world
but to myself i cannot lie